So, we’ve done it again. We’re going to have another baby. It’s taken me a while to feel ready for this after all we went through in the last couple years, but we have always wanted three kids, and I ain’t getting any younger.

Planning a pregnancy is something I had not strategically tried to do before. In the past, we just stopped trying to prevent it and have been lucky enough to get two beautiful kids. This time I used an ovulation kit to predict my most fertile days and, as luck would have it, the little smiley face indicating “peak fertility” appeared on the pee stick the very first day of a short getaway Mike and I took this summer. Serendipitously, we wouldn’t have to worry about trying to hide from the kids while trying to make another one of them. I was even able to make it through the Murray Festival, a raucous family reunion on Labor Day Weekend, without knowing I was pregnant yet, which meant a final hurrah of guilt-free imbibing – all the stars aligned.

The beginning of the pregnancy was rocky for a number of reasons. I had some bleeding due to a hematoma which is, apparently, something that is not totally uncommon and, usually, something that is harmless. Before the doctor was able to source the cause of the bleeding, however, I was fairly certain I was miscarrying. I’d miscarried before in between Calum and Faye and this was so similar to that experience that I’d convinced myself it wasn’t going to work. It took a couple of weeks until we figured out what was wrong, too, so that felt like a really long time to be in limbo, and it was. Finding out that the hematoma was the cause of the bleeding threw me for a loop. I had been so sure I was right about the miscarriage. Life will continue to surprise me, I guess, and luckily this time for the better. It was another example of needless worrying I did over something that was truly out of my control. Someday I hope to grasp this before I send myself into a tailspin.

I’ll tell you what else: being pregnant is about as fun as being stuck on an elevator with a fart monster. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful; I am very grateful. I know how long it takes some people to get pregnant and how desperate many people are to be pregnant right now, but this shit is hard. I’m pretty sure if men had to be pregnant there would be some kind of first trimester leave in place, not just after the baby arrives. And to the women who say they love being pregnant, shut up. Seriously, shut your pie holes.

I had a rough first trimester with Calum and Faye as well. These uninterrupted months of being utterly exhausted and feeling like dirt everyday served as a tiny glimpse into what someone undergoing cancer treatment or suffering from chronic illness must feel like and, to boot, those poor people have nothing to gain from it in the end. I’d try to remind myself what Calum has been through and how awful he must have felt for so long anytime I’d start feeling even the slightest bit sorry for myself. I’m now 16 weeks and have finally turned the corner. Miraculously, I went from feeling like a dirty jock strap every afternoon to feeling fantastic. It’s freaking awesome and, yet again, a reminder of how lucky I am. Feeling like a normal human being every day is not something to take for granted; to wake up and go through an entire day without any major discomfort is such a blessing. It’s also nice to want to eat a variety of foods again – if I could have had a slow, steady stream of hot french fries being served to me for like eight weeks in a row, that’s what I would have eaten. Little by little, thousands of tiny french fries would have been laid to rest in my tummy.

Anyway, the baby is scheduled to arrive in early May, and we’re all very happy. The kids know and tell me regularly that they can see the “lump” and then they proceed to feel my breasts. Adding to the family is exciting, but brings with it a whole other world of unknowns. Pregnancy always elicits a little bit of that nervous excitement, but if I have learned a single damn thing I should know there are never any guarantees and move ahead with the expectation that it will all happen exactly as it is going to happen…and it’s going to be great.

**For those who have been wondering about Calum’s hair since my last post, the shedding has seemed to stop! Hopefully, it was just a once-off reaction to treatment.